We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
