Your tits are I can't wait for
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
