Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
