I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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