If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
