I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
