my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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