I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
