Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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