in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
