There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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