My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
