Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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