as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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