You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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