I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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