it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
