I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
