also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
