its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
