How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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