Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
