My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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