OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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