maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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