I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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