hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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