i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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