Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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