Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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