"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
