Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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