What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In other news, I just burned my penis
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Randomize
