Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
