I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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