Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize