apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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