yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
