fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She's the barista slut.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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