How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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