there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
