You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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