I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
