like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
