She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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