I accidentally burped into my bong.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
