just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
