Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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