Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
