I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
