Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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