If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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