i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
