I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
