My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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