There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're like the curious george of whores
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
