So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
