A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
