Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it because I queefed?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
