I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
