I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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