I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
