just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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