I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
