U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
