It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
